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November 08, 2004 - 12:55 pm

BEAR CITY

Girls’ Weekend was unusually subdued this time.

There were six of us at the cabin in Blue Ridge – the usual suspects: Melanie, Jenny, me, Nicole, Sasha and Wendy. We had eight bottles of wine, Pimms, Jaggermeister, plum wine, miscellaneous beers, and many cigarettes. No one fell down the whole weekend, and that is truly remarkable. Although when I say “no one” I really mean “me,” so that may just have been due to the fact that I wasn’t drinking much. I was saving my strength for POKER!! Yeah, baby!

I took The Sound of Music for us to watch because although I love the movie, every time I’ve watched it I’ve been bothered by the feeling that Maria could not have succeeded in giving those mountain children a good liberal education (complete with canoes, doo-rags, bare feet, and guitar music) without the discipline instilled in them by their father. I mean, imagine them hiding out from the Nazis in the cemetery of the convent: What would have happened if Gretl von Trapp threw a tantrum because she couldn’t find her granola bar or something? They’d have been KILLED, that’s what. The little bratwurst.

So, I was planning on watching the movie again and then writing some piece entitled “The Discipline Myth in The Sound of Music” or “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?” or “The Von Trapp Trap,” but instead we ended up laughing at the extreme schmaltziness of the movie and voicing over the dialogue as a rap movie remake, kind of like Romeo and Juliet, but with more urban flavah. Dig?

As we envisioned it, J-Lo would play Maria, P-Diddy is Captain von Trapp, Queen Latifa plays the Reverend Mother, Snoop-Dog would be Uncle Max, etc. You get the idea. The music would all be rap songs or, even better, hip-hop remixes of all your favorite Sound of Music tunes. Oh, and the von Trapp Family Singers would be competing at the Apollo rather than in Salzburg. I think I could get Erik to produce it because he has more money than he knows what to do with, and he simply can’t be convinced he’s not black. Seriously. He tells people Snoop-Dog is his room mate because he’s got a life-size cardboard cut-out of him standing in the living room of his swanky house.

You’re NOT BLACK, Erik.

Then we also made some other generally silly remarks like these:

Sasha: They’re three adults and seven children. How the hell are they all going to fit into that one little car?
Nicole: That’s not a car. It’s the Von DEATH Trapp.

Melanie (asking for the bazillionth time, atypically drunk and genuinely worried): You SWEAR no one dies, Sam?
Samantha: NO ONE DIES!
Wendy: Yeah, Melanie, no one dies; unless, of course, you count those FIVE MILLION JEWS.

At the part where Captain von Trapp comes home to find a Nazi flag has been hung over his door and pulls it down furiously:
Wendy: Smithers, tear this for me.

A few of us did our usual six mile hike Saturday morning. The weather was perfect for it, too. We stopped at Food Lion on the way back to the cabin and picked up all the stuff for smores for after dinner – before we played POKER!! Yeah, baby!

I’m not even sure you could count it as a typical “Girls’ Weekend” since three of the six of us insisted on watching football all day Saturday and then some sort of World Series baseball game Saturday night. So I mostly napped during all that time so I could stay awake for POKER!! Yeah, baby!

Imagine my disappointment when none of those losers would play poker with me. In typical old lady fashion, we watched Saturday Night Live instead, and, as luck would have it, it was the Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson (who?) episode where she got caught lip-syncing. The funniest part was when they had to grab something on tape to fill the dead air when she walked off stage, and the best they could come up with was the unbelievably lame “Bear City” skit, which I imagine had been sitting on the shelf collecting dust for years while its tragically unfunny creator crossed his fingers every single week and prayed for just such a catastrophe.

It sucked so bad, in fact, that now “Bear City” is code for “Boy, that really sucked,” as in, “Have you seen that new urban remake of The Sound of Music yet?”

“Yeah. Bear City. Don’t bother going.”

~Samantha

recommended:
reading -A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
viewing - The Sound of Music
listening -"Sixteen Going on Seventeen" by Liesl von Trapp and Ralph the Nazi telegraph boy

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