June 30, 2005 - 10:57 pm

I always say, if you're talking about it, you're probably not doing it. So here goes.

Sex has been on my mind a lot lately. And I don�t mean that in that big picture, philosophical way that I usually approach things here. I mean it in the low-down, nitty-gritty I-haven�t-had-sex-since-December-yes-December kind of way.

That�s a really, really, really long time.

And it�s bad. I�m having sex dreams practically every night with the most bizarre cast of characters � old college professors, married friends of mine, Gene Hackman, a folk singer girl in my freshman architecture class. I fantasize about sex with random people I see at the grocery store, and the most banal kissing scene in some stupid movie makes me weak in the knees and hot in the loins. My god. I�ve become a man.

This whole sex thing is a problem for a number of reasons.

1. I�m not officially divorced yet. Yes, it matters.
2. I�m used to John, and he�s really good.
3. My days of uninvolved sex are long past. Oh, loose morals of yesteryear! Why hast thou forsaken me in these bleak and troubled times?
4. I don�t want to get involved with anyone right now. (See #3) I made a promise to myself not to get involved for a certain length of time, and that time has not passed.
5. Even if I did just jump into bed with someone (which has been on the tip of my�mind a lot lately), I�M EXTREMELY FERTILE and the last thing I need at the moment (besides an STD) is another baby. A man sneezes in my general direction and I get pregnant.
6. My �sphere of influence� isn�t what it used to be. With a few glaring exceptions, I don�t know many single men and even fewer I�d consider sleeping with.
7. I�m shy. Shut up. I am. I�ve been married for over 8 years now, and the thought of getting back out there is a little terrifying. Did I really just say �getting back out there?� Like I need cheerleaders or something to get my ass off the bench? Please pretend I didn�t just say �out there.�

So I�ve got this constant battle going on in my head (and my over zealous nether regions) between what I want to do and what I should do; and I�m doing okay for now, but for god�s sake man, how long can a woman be expected to go without?

John has graciously offered to fill in until I get back on my feet, and I have to admit it�d be convenient. I mean, we are married, he�s had a vasectomy, and he knows my body. Plus the kids wouldn't wake up and scream "There's a MAN in Mommy's bed!" Still, although I have been tempted lately, I just can�t do it. I don�t know, I just can�t. It�s probably a combination of pride and not wanting to give him false hope that we may get back together that�s keeping me honest for now. Besides, I'm perpetually pissed at him, and that kind of spoils the mood.

I�m sure Erik would do the job. Lord knows he�s offered enough times. He�s so considerate, isn�t he? He had a few people over to his house for dinner last night, and there was the slight possibility that one of his (several) other married women friends might run into a past fling, a good guy friend of mine. Erik said something like �She should be used to running into former fuckees by now. I think I�m the only guy in Auburn she didn�t sleep with. Hey, you two could start the �Thank God I Never Fucked Erik' Club � Population: Millions.�

Tag (the dog), for his part, is trying desperately to get into my pants. He�s half beagle, and apparently, well, beagles are humpers. Yeah. Eight weeks old, just home from the Humane Society, had his tiny little balls cut off the day before �humping my ankle. I thought we'd just gotten off on the wrong foot (pun totally intended), but it's just gotten worse. I got him this crate that he stays in when no one�s home. I keep a blanket, a bowl of water, and a few chew toys in there for him, and he likes it just fine. Well, last week I had to get down on all fours to put fresh water in the crate, and damn if that dog didn�t come up behind me and jump up on my back and start humping! My sweet little puppy! I was horrified. I was all like, �Get OFF of me you crazy animal!� But I was kind of laughing at the same time. Poor little old dog. Never will get him any and doesn�t even know what he�s missing. Unlike, oh, say ME for instance.

Let�s change the subject, shall we? I thought so.

I'd planned to meet some friends at Piedmont Park for Screen on the Green tonight. They're showing Grease, so we decided to bring a picnic of 1950's type American food. You know, burgers, fries, pies, etc. So, I'd made The World�s Most Beautiful Apple Pie last night for the dinner at Erik�s, and it went over so well I made another one today for S.O.T.G. But then I couldn�t find a fucking parking space anywhere remotely close to Piedmont Park after driving around for like 45 minutes or something. And I�m way too sexually frustrated to walk a mile with my pie in my hands. So I came home and typety-typed out this little number about sex and pie instead. I'm so resourceful!

And here I sit. Not having sex. Not making overtly lewd pie innuendos. And all done typing. Whatever shall I do now?

~Samantha

recommended:
reading -Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
viewing - A Streetcar Named Desire
listening -�Ball and Biscuit� by the White Stripes

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