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November 11, 2005 - 5:33 pm

SHOOT

Okay, as of this past Tuesday at 8:21am, Iíve decided to turn over a new leaf. I mean it. And Iíve gotten a sign from god.

Iíll back up a bit.

My behavior on Monday night was shameful at best, dangerous, irresponsible, and fraught with the possibility of irreparable harm at worst. Okay, maybe it wasnít any more than most people do when traveling with a software convention to a city far, far from home, but I was just out with some girls for dinner and drinks to celebrate Kristieís birthday, so I canít claim that lame excuse LIKE THE FUCKING LYING BASTARD I MET CAN.

Hereís how it started:

I met eight other fabulously talented, intelligent, successful, beautiful women at The Globe for dinner. We drank and ate and laughed and talked. Around 11:00, those of us with some semblance of inner peace began to head out to their happy homes. Those of us desperately trying to fill some gaping hole of discontent remained to drink ourselves into a stupor and close the bar and head out wherever with any random substitute for the real thing. Guess which group I joined?

Iím a fairly bright girl most of the time, albeit admittedly an airhead who falls a lot, so answer me this friends: why, why did I not know that guy was married?

The clues were all there.

CLUE #1 - THE WEDDING RING
Okay I know what youíre thinking. Youíre thinking, ďHello? What more do you need, idiot?Ē First of all, someone else had to point it out to me because I just assume that if youíre married you donít go around hitting on other women. Seasoned single girl Jinger tells me this is not true! Men are pigs! Who knew?

MY REACTION: Why are you hitting on me if youíre married, jerky boy?

HIS RESPONSE: Iíve been separated from my wife for three years and Iím desperately hanging on to the hope that we might reconcile one day. Itís not looking good, though.

MY CONCLUSION: Oh how sad. This poor guy! Misses his wife so much! Heís just trying to cope, and itís been so long since heís had the company of a woman! No Jinger, he's not married!

THE REAL TRUTH: Heís been married for four years. His wife has no idea what a jerk he really is.

CLUE #2 - HIS CREEPY FRIEND
James was overly concerned that his creepy friend Dan not know what was up when we (it gets a little foggy here) decided (?) to go to his fancy hotel bar for one last night cap.

MY REACTION: Why do you care so much what Dan thinks? Heís not your boyfriend, is he? Besides, I thought you guys loved for everyone to think youíre scoring with a woman Ė which youíre not, by the way. Weíre just going for a night cap.

HIS RESPONSE: Dan is a smarmy little bastard who would delight in office gossip Ė back in Wisconsin Ė and Iím not like those other guys who like to brag. Iím a decent fellow and I donít want to be the subject of that kind of talk at work.

MY CONCLUSION: Oh how nice! Heís a decent fellow! He cares that others see him as such! Jinger, he's a nice guy!

THE REAL TRUTH: Dan knows James' wife and would totally blackmail him with this juicy little tidbit of information.

CLUE #3 - THE TRIP TO THE STORE "FOR BEER"
James insisted on stopping by the store for a couple more beers. Odd, since we were just going to his hotel bar for a night cap. Hmm.

MY REACTION: ďGet me a bottle of water while youíre in there, would you?Ē Iíd pretty much stopped asking any questions at this point.

HIS RESPONSE: Okay.

MY CONCLUSION: What a nice guy! And cute! Heís so tall! I love those dimples. Nice thick wavy hair, too. Gosh, Iím thirsty.

THE REAL TRUTH: The bar is closed, weíre going up to his room, and he had to buy condoms. Oh, and he forgot my water.

So, yadda yadda (Nothing too bad, I swear. And we slept in separate beds, honest to god.) the next morning I laughed and jokingly said, ďAre you really separated, or were you just saying that?Ē

He says, as heís rushing to get ready for an 8:00am conference, ďI was just saying that.Ē

I was shocked and too embarrassed to ask him if he was joking along with me or not, but I honestly didn't know. So I just shut up at that point and contemplated the clues from the previous night and the possibility that I am not as clever as I think I am. Hmm.

I called Kristie and Erik both on the way home and listened to each of them separately say what an idiot I was for choosing to believe he wasnít married.

Yep, I made out with a married man. I feel awful and stupid, and I am totally turning over a new leaf. In fact, I was saying that very thing to Erik on the phone when I opened my car door at my house, and what do you think I saw on the ground at that exact moment? A four leaf clover.

If thatís not a sign from god, I donít know what is.

He called the next day to apologize for lying about being married, disrespecting me, and disrespecting his wife. I did NOT say, "Oh that's okay, don't worry about it," which, without a doubt, is why he called. Instead I said, "You know what James? You are that guy who gives men a bad name. You should be ashamed of yourself and really think about what's going on between you and your wife and whether you really want to be married because now that you've done this, it's going to be easier and easier to do more and more. That's just not cool, man. That's just not cool."

Oh, and heís not even from Wisconsin. Heís from Maryland.

Fucking lying bastard.

~Samantha

recommended:
reading -Lolita by Vladimir Nabakov
viewing -The Apartment
listening -ďShootĒ by Sonic Youth

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