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October 26, 2005 - 9:39 pm

TURN IN YOUR TEASING COMB, HARRIET

Does it strike anyone else as more than a little odd that a Supreme Court nominee would do such a terrible job on the Senate Judiciary Committee’s basic questionnaire that she would have to do it over? Does it also seem odd that she would even be given that second chance? You’d think the incompetence clearly evident in the first effort would be a clue that maybe – just maybe – she’s completely unqualified for the job.

But, NO. Not with this president. I have this image of G.W. lounging around on the sofa in the oval office in sweatpants, brainstorming with all the women who have fawned over him enough over the last six years to be including in one of these inner-circle gossip sessions. Let’s see, we have Karen Hughes (Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy), Condi Rice (Secretary of State), and Maggie Spellings (Secretary of Education and primary author of the brilliant “No Child Left Behind Policy” you’ve heard me bitch about on occasion).

Okay, so…there’s a bowl of pretzels on the coffee table and popcorn and Hot Pockets in the microwave. Condi’s wearing sponge rollers and Karen has pore strips on her nose, chin, and forehead. Maggie’s in her fuzzy slippers, and George, as I mentioned, is in his heather-gray Yale sweatsuit. Oh, and oilman Don Evans is invited over just so it doesn’t look like that thinly veiled, hot, lesbian sleepover in Grease where Frankie Avalon ends up singing Beauty School Dropout to Frenchie and the rest of the in-crowd at Rydell High. Don's wearing a suit and tie with a double old-fashioned of single-malt scotch in his hand.

So, eventually it happens. During a particularly raucous game of “Truth or Dare” Georgie Porgie brings up Harriet Miers’ name in the context of the Supreme Court and all the other girls (and Donny) go berserk.

“HER?! You’ve got to be kidding me Georgie.

“She’s not even cool.”

“She doesn’t drink!” (NO!)

“Or swear!” (OH!)

“She doesn’t wrap her hair!” (EW!)

“She gets ill from one cigarette!” (cough, cough, cough!)

“God, what are you thinking, Georgie Boy?”

So George fights back tears of embarrassment and tells them all to go to hell. He says, "I appointed most of you thankless bitches (and you too, Donny, no offense) with precious few credentials just because you were nice to me, so why the hell shouldn’t I nominate good ol’ Harriet? Hell, she said I was the most brilliant man she ever met! And she’s met a LOT... although she never married…I wonder why…What do you guys think? Uh, what was I saying? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What have any of you beeotches done for me lately?"(He says that with a snap and a jerk of the neck.)

Then a cat fight ensues, and all the chicks leave in a huff. George and Donny hang back and go over and over the conversation, wondering what the hell went wrong until George finally stops crying and says, “Fuck it. I’m the fucking leader of the fucking free world, and if I want to appoint a beauty school dropout/Texas lottery chairman to the fucking Supreme Court, by God, I’ll fucking do it. You just watch me! (falls to the floor kicking legs and pounding fists, eyes closed tightly, head flailing from side to side) You’re not the bosses of me! I will if I want to, and you can’t make me, so there!”

Of course Don agrees wholeheartedly. And asks George to please stop pounding his shins and to be a good boy and go freshen up uncle's scotch.

Seriously, what the hell was President Bush thinking? Was he so emboldened by the whole John Bolton U.N. appointment incident and the relative ease of John Roberts' Supreme Court appointment that he thought he could just slip the next nominee through and no one would notice? And the Senate Judiciary Committee: what a precedent they’ve set with this “do-over” thing. How many “do-overs” did you ever get in grade school? In college? In REAL FUCKING LIFE? There are no do-overs! She FAILED, okay? Just get someone else in there ASAP, and we’ll sweep this whole thing under the rug like it never happened and just move on, alright?

But for gods’ sake, George, at least nominate a reasonably qualified kiss-ass this time, okay?

~Samantha

recommended:
reading -Deliver the Vote : A History of Election Fraud, an American Political Tradition - 1742-2004
viewing -Dead Man
listening -"Pocahontas" by Neil Young

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