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May 03, 2005 - 10:28 am


John has the kids every other weekend now, and waking up without my precious children on those weekend mornings is one of the hardest things to get used to. I can’t force myself to go to bed at night because as soon as I do I know I’ll be waking up alone, without my children pattering down the hall and into my bed, sleepy and smiling, in the cold of early morning to wake me up with warm hugs all full of their sweet smell. I have a terrible empty feeling when they’re not home, and it’s depressing as hell to wake up to.

But as soon as they walk in that door Sunday afternoon, all is right with the world. Tucking those two in bed at night is one of my most favorite things ever, and there is no better feeling than sitting down for time to myself at the end of the day knowing they’re sleeping soundly and peacefully in their own beds.

I’m sure it’s sappy and sickening to those of you without kids, but one day, if you’re lucky, you’ll know what I’m talking about. I never even knew I was capable of feeling love so deeply as I did when I had children.

My girl was born calm and wide awake, looking around like she was just getting reacquainted with old friends. I was afraid before my son was born that I could never love another child as much as I loved my first, my daughter, but the minute he was born I looked at him and cried and said, “Oh, I KNOW you!” And I did. I felt as if I’d known both my kids forever as soon as they were born.

The Girl said to me last night, “I want to squeeze you as hard as I can so you can’t leave! I just can’t get enough of you!” I said, “My sweet girl, I can’t get enough of you either. I want to stay here and hug you forever and ever!”

And then when I reluctantly pried myself away and went to tuck the Boy in, he said to me, “I wish people never died and kids could choose their own grown-ups because I’d pick you and then we could always, always be together.” I said, “That’s about the nicest thing I’ve heard in a really long time, and I feel so lucky to have you as my son. How’d we get so lucky?” And he said, “Maybe God likes us.”

And you know what? Sometimes when I’m with my children I’m struck by that same thought: God must really like me to have blessed me with those two delightful little people.


reading -Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss by Hope Edelman
viewing - Lost in Translation
listening -“La Vie En Rose” – Louis Armstrong’s version

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