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January 30, 2006 - 9:23 pm

THE WORST DATE I’VE EVER HAD: PART 1, THE SEDUCTION

Okay, so one of my friends has an account with one of those on-line dating services. We love to drink wine and look up the hundreds of hits she gets and laugh at the delusional dorks who think they’re really in her league. One time, while she was browsing the dregs of the Atlanta singles scene, she ran across a profile of a really good looking guy. The guy’s description of himself was as someone who loves to read, loves to discuss spirituality, unexplained phenomena, the cosmos, and math and science. And he’s really, really cute. My friend thought, “Hmm, this guy sounds great for Sam!” So she shows me the guy’s profile, and I admit to being cautiously optimistic. She emails him with the odd suggestion that, although he’d replied to her profile, he’d be better off asking out her friend, Sam. He was agreeable (after asking for and approving pictures of me), and we exchanged numbers.

He called me shortly thereafter and we had the most amazing two hour conversation I’ve had with anyone in a long time. He was curious and inquisitive, creative, open to new ideas, intelligent, direct, high sex drive, not materialistic, etc., etc. And then it happened…

Suddenly, as is so often the case in a budding romance, the topic of physical resilience and one’s ability to survive a nuclear holocaust came up, whereupon he proceeded to push every single hot topic button I have...and not in the good way that seemed so inevitable just goose-bump-producing moments before either. Let me outline a few pearls of wisdom espoused by my would-be suitor.

Fucked Up World View #1: All Muslims, no matter if they are U.S. citizens or not, should be considered enemies of the State and placed in “camps” or deported immediately, no questions asked. I reminded him of the imprisonment of our Japanese population at the outbreak of WWII, which was subsequently deemed illegal and unconstitutional and resulted in millions of dollars in reparations being paid to those Japanese citizens and their progeny.

Fucked Up World View #2: It was possible during the Third Reich to be an innocent German, unsympathetic to the Nazi cause, a victim of political circumstance, individual Switzerlands, so to speak. All Muslims in today’s world, however, regardless of nationality or political affiliation, are incapable of desiring anything other than a “Jihad on our freedom-loving asses” and should not be trusted under any circumstances. I quizzed him about my Iranian friend, now a 60-year-old U.S. citizen and long-time business owner in Buckhead, who moved here from Iran in 1978 to escape the impending Islamic Revolution which resulted in the overthrow of the pro-western Shah with his iron-fisted constitutional monarchy, ironically brought about by the well-meaning, pro-democracy prime minister trying to calm the religious masses by allowing the previously banished Ayatollah Khomeini to return to Iran. As I’m sure you all remember, the Ayatollah wasted no time implementing his own fundamentalist Islamic state. Mr. Right had little to say in return but, “He’s only here for the money.” Right. His wife and future and the fact that he left his entire extended family behind were of no consideration in the move; and the fact that he’s voted as a registered republican here for nearly thirty years is just a smoke-screen to hide his terrorist sympathies and subversive plot for an Islamic Jihad.

Fucked Up World View #3: The only people ever to enslave others are, of course, Muslims. The only people to be enslaved were, naturally, Judeo-Christians. Examples he gave were Egyptians (curiously, not Muslim) enslaving Jews, Turks enslaving Greeks, and Muslim Africans enslaving Christian Africans. I queried, “What about the black slaves kept by Europeans and Americans well into the 19th century?” He said, “They don’t count because they were not enslaved because of their religion.” Yep. You heard it here first, kids. He said THEY DON’T COUNT.

Fucked Up World View #4. Greeks are white, damn it. Recognizing his obviously Greek last name, I asked him whether he was active in the local Greek community here in Atlanta. My friend Kristie is half Greek, and my sister’s ex-husband is Greek. And, yes, before you go asking, they did have a big, fat Greek wedding. Anyway, my brother-in-law has a big, fat, Greek family here in Atlanta, and I know many of them and thought we may have some mutual acquaintances. He said, “No f*ing way” because until Greeks learn to behave like “whites” and not like lazy, freeloading, “knuckle-draggers” deserving nothing more than contempt, he would continue to ignore his shameful heritage. He’s white, god damn it, and anyone who wants to argue with him about it is asking for an ass-kicking.

Fucked Up World View #5. “Fags” pervade the Muslim world because Muslims oppress women to the point of…uh, (forgive me. I’m a bit unclear on this issue. I was beginning to tune him out here)…not having sex with them? I think? But I did ask, “Don’t we have more gays in the U.S. than most other countries?” And “How exactly is someone’s sexual preference any of your business?” That discussion didn’t go very far.

Fucked Up World View #6. And lastly (he really got my attention with this one), there is no, I repeat NO, circumstance in which abortion should be considered as an option for a woman. (Wait, didn't someone just say something about oppressing women?) In fact, bombers of abortion clinics are performing a worthy cause. (Mind you, he never said “in the name of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ,” but it was implied. Oh it was most certainly implied.) Oh, and he doesn’t call rape “rape.” He calls it “non-consensual sex.” (Oppressing?...women?...Oh, never mind.) So I asked him how he’d label what happened to me at the age of nineteen when a guy put something in my drink at 7:00pm, and after about three sips I woke up in the guy’s bed the next day – groggy, completely naked, and really sore where it counts, with no memory of what had happened to me other than instinctive humiliation and confusion. Come to think of it, that one’s in the running for the Worst Date I’ve Ever Had too. Nero’s reaction after I told him? He asked me what I was wearing at the time. Classic.

Stay tuned for THE WORST DATE I'VE EVER HAD: PART 2, WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

~Samantha

recommended:
reading -Martha Stewart Living Magazine
viewing -Chappelle's Show: Season 2
listening -"Goin' Down South" by R. L. Burnside

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