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September 19, 2005 - 1:21 pm

BEST WEEKEND EVER

I. Day One – Thursday
. . A. Arrive in Carillon Beach, FL for wedding
. . B. Lie on beach
. . . . 1. Drink beers
. . . . 2. Get bitten by flies
. . . . 3. Meet fabulous new people
. . C. Cocktail party
. . . . 1. Drink vodka tonics
. . . . 2. Flirt with boys
. . D. After-party at our huge house
. . . . 1. Drink wine
. . . . 2. Dance in living room
. . . . 3. Flirt some more
. . . . 4. Swim naked with boys and girls
. . . . . . a. marvel at huge red moon
. . . . . . b. speculate whether presence of bioluminescent dinoflagellates in water related to huge red moon
. . . . 5. Generously share bed with boy who has none

II. Day Two – Friday
. . A. Wake up
. . . . 1. Lament sharing of bed
. . . . 2. Take Advil
. . . . 3. Drink coffee
. . . . 4. Recover lost articles of clothing on beach
. . . . 5. Laugh at self, others
. . B. Cruise on schooner with beautiful bridesmaids
. . . . 1. Drink champagne
. . . . 2. Laugh
. . . . 3. Point to dolphins and quiz captain on the difference between dolphins and porpoises, what type of boats are in the America’s cup, how fast a schooner can go, how the “head” works, what causes “red tide”
. . . . 4. Drink champagne
. . . . 5. Laugh
. . C. Rehearsal dinner
. . . . 1. Meditate (catch some zzz’s) on shuttle bus to restaurant
. . . . 2. Wake up refreshed and order vodka tonic
. . . . 3. Eat fabulous dinner
. . . . 4. Get teary at various speeches about the couple of honor
. . . . 5. Kiss bride’s girl cousin
. . D. Bus ride back to house
. . . . 1. Sing songs to bride to egg her on
. . . . 2. Laugh at bride as she moons everyone on bus
. . . . 3. Gasp at bride as she takes off all her clothes
. . E. After-party
. . . . 1. Drink beer
. . . . 2. Cry briefly on shoulder of friend
. . . . 3. Dance in living room
. . . . 4. Debate various cultural determinants of male and female sexuality, ponder validity of Kinsey Scale
. . . . 5. Kiss bride's girl cousin again to make point
. . . . 6. Share bed with intended roommate

III. Day Three – Saturday: the best day ever
. . A. Morning
. . . . 1. Drink coffee
. . . . 2. Marvel at how great I feel
. . . . 3. Laugh at friend overheard night before slapping girl’s ass in walk-in closet
. . B. Noonish
. . . . 1. Lie on beach
. . . . 2. Hang out on sand bar
. . . . . . a. Partake of floating cooler full of beer
. . . . . . b. Fish in ocean with ten of so of the most fabulous people you’d ever want to know
. . . . . . c. Get numerous comments about my “perfect ass”
. . . . . . d. Laugh perfect ass off all day long
. . C. Wedding
. . . . 1. Before the ceremony
. . . . . . a. Search frantically for earrings, find earrings
. . . . . . b. Drink champagne
. . . . . . c. Mill around, feel anxious waiting to walk down pier to beach wedding, contemplate likelihood of falling
. . . . 2. During the ceremony
. . . . . . a. Stifle the need to vomit and/or pass out
. . . . . . b. Get teary at minister’s words
. . . . 3. After the ceremony
. . . . . . a. Resist urge to make sand angels and/or dive into sand dunes while waiting for pictures to be made
. . . . . . b. Escape in full sprint to house for sandwich
. . . . . . c. Go to grocery store barefooted for beer for after-party with Most Interesting Character
. . D. Reception
. . . . 1. Arrive a few minutes late
. . . . 2. Drink vodka tonics
. . . . 3. Try to eat
. . . . 4. Drink “mocktails” so I can stay up late
. . . . 5. Dance perfect ass off with everyone on dance floor
. . E. After-party
. . . . 1. Mosey back to house on arm of nice boy
. . . . 2. Dance in living room
. . . . 3. Drink beers
. . . . 4. Talk with band members
. . . . 5. Dance in living room some more
. . . . 6. Count how many times bride says, “I LOVE YOU GUYS!” (36)
. . . . 7. Sit on laps
. . F. After-after-party
. . . . 1. Hang out on pier steps with same Interesting Character from grocery store
. . . . 2. Discover I know Interesting Character's sister, decide to hang out more later
. . . . 3. Fall into bed just before sunrise

IV. Day Four – Sunday
. . A. First thing
. . . . 1. Wake up and drink coffee
. . . . 2. Remember how perfect previous day was, smile to self
. . . . 3. Call home, request hall pass for rest of the day
. . . . 4. Receive hall pass, do little dance on balcony
. . B. A Little Later
. . . . 1. Hang out in innertube in ocean with Interesting Character
. . . . 2. Drink beers
. . . . 3. Get sunburned
. . . . 4. Decide maybe I should figure out how to get home
. . . . 5. Secure ride with Endocrinologist, Interesting Character, and Old Finnish Man
. . C. Evening
. . . . 1. Pack
. . . . 2. Have hunger-induced panic attack
. . . . 3. Eat large quantity of gumbo
. . D. The Ride Home
. . . . 1. Laugh ass off with other passengers
. . . . 2. Hold stomach, aching from laughter, gumbo
. . . . 3. Refuse to admit drowsiness, nearly fall asleep at wheel
. . E. Home
. . . . 1. Drop Endocrinologist and Old Finnish Man at car
. . . . 2. Drive Interesting Character home
. . . . 3. Fall into bed at 1:30am
. . . . 4. Smile remembering weekend, thinking of great couple now on way to Thailand and rest of life together

~Samantha

recommended:
reading -Metropolitan Home magazine
viewing -The Conversation, 1972, Gene Hackman
listening -"Thickfreakness" by the Black Keys

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